


I'm too young to die, and too sick to live

by Whoops_heck



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Coping, Frontotemporal Dementia, Terminal Illnesses, What's new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 04:43:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11223576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whoops_heck/pseuds/Whoops_heck
Summary: Oikawa Tooru came to terms with the fact that slowly he would die. He would forget names and places and regular everyday things. He'd forget how to tie his shoes, he'd forget how to beush his teeth, he'd forget who Hajime was.Frontotemporal Dementia will rip his life from his hands and there is nothing he can do about it.





	I'm too young to die, and too sick to live

**Author's Note:**

> Yikes, why do I do this to my favs, why do I make them suffer, ugh enjoy, i hope you enjoy because this sugar is rough as a mother trucker

''Frontotemporal Dementia, Primary Progressive Aphasia"

As the words leave my doctor's mouth I nearly cry out. This can't be right. I can't have dementia. I'm too young right? He got it wrong. This isn't right.

"What?"

It's all I can manage.

"I know this may come as a shock. It seems you're pretty early on so you should have a few good years left before the deterioration increases."

The words aren't registering.

It's all unreal. 

Like i'm floating in some weird fever dream. When I wake up in a sweat at this nightmare Haijime will hug me tight. Whisper sweet nothings into my ear until I calm down.

But he won't.

He'll leave you for someone he knows will last. Someone who won't forget their own name. Someone he can grow old with.

I promised him a dog and a white picket fence.

Some promises you just have to break.

"Do you want me to call someone to drive you home."

I'm sixteen.

I'm sixteen and I am going to die.

I'm sixteen and I drove here myself so why the fuck would they have to call someone.

Can I even drive anymore?

Will I forget how to while I'm on the freeway?

"I'll be fine."

"We can have another CT scan done in about a month to track how fast it's progressing. For now just report if you're having any changes in mood or muscle memory."

"Ok."

\------

I don't tell my mom.

She doesn't need to know.

If the doctor calls then the doctor calls. 

If he doesn't then Oikawa doesn't have to worry about her discovering her prodigy son is going to die.

It's better in the long run.

\------

Going to school the next day is weird. Everyone is so un afected by the knowledge I harbors myself. No one is reacting. No one gives me a second glance or a pitying stare. The only attention I gets is positive.

I look around and recites their names.

I won't remember them forever.

Matsu and Makki approach laughing on the way and ask me why I look like I've seen a ghost.

I make up the excuse that I just didn't sleep last night.

It's not false but it's definitely not the cause of my pale features.

My brain is decaying and no one fucking knows.

Maybe I should keep it this way.

\-----

By the time I'm eighteen I'm recieving offers to play full ride for prestigious colleges. I'm smart enough to get in. I play well enough to be a setter for their team.

Why shouldn't I accept?

\------

I forgot my cousins name yesterday.

\------

About a month after hearing the diagnosis I told my mom. The guilt clawed my brain until I couldn't look at her anymore.

"Mom, I need to tell you something."

"What is it sweety?"

"I'm dying."

She nearly drops the plate in her hand but catches it. Practically throwing it onto the counter she rushes to his side and pulls his face in her hands.

"Why would you say that?"

"I've got dementia mom."

"What are you talking about sweety?"

"The doctor told me a month ago, I've got frontotemporal dementia. There's no cure. There's nothing that can slow it down."

They cry in one another's arms for the entirety of the night.

\-----

I accept one of the offers and meets the coach with smiles and handshakes. Before even graduating highschool the man is handing me the world.

Eventually I'll forget how to hold it.

\-----

My doctor said that my brian is deteriorating faster than he expected. In the next few months I'll begin to develop the symptoms of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. ASL. Lou Gehrig's disease.

I've got three years before the muscles in my lungs don't work anymore.

I'm going to die of respiratory failure because my brain doesn't work right and the universe really fucking hates me.

\-----

"Oikawa right here!"

"Opposite!"

"Pipe! Pipe! Pipe!"

They're all calling to me. I'm going to set to one of them and they will hit it with everyrhing they've got. My job is to throw off the blockers.

Make them think I'm going rightside.

They've started their approach to block.

Now swipe it to the outside.

My actions are quick and precise.

We score.

I throw a thumbs up to Yamateru knowing if I tried to say "Nice kill" my words would come out in the wrong order or I wouldn't be able to say anything at all.

My deterioration is persistent.

It's been a year since my diagnoses of ALS and one day I'm bound to lose my muscles that allow me to set. I've already forgetten how to tie my shoes a few times.

The game has ended and we have won. They took us to five sets and it took everything in me to anylise the opposing team with the same precision I usually do.

It took everything in me to throw off the blockers. 

It took everyrhing in me not to give up.

\----

I told the couch.

\-----

He told me to teach everyrhing I can to the other setter. Also an incoming freshman he wasn't any worse than I was.

"Come here Haiko. I'm sure you've hesrd I have to leave the team but don't worry, you'll fill my place beautifully and with a few pointers from yours truly the season will be yours."

\-----

"Always see your opponent, see the blockers, setter, libero, defensive specialists, even see the coach. Get in their heads and see what they see. If you were their setter who would you set up. See how they read our blockers and our hitters. If they catch on to us or are too protectibe over one hitter, dump it. Throw them off."

\-----

"The goal of volleyball is to stay in it. Stay in every match, every game, every rally until the very end. Give each play the most effort you can. Push yourself and always teust your teammates. They're putting their trust in you and you won't dissapoint them."

\----

"Enjoy being on the court, because one day you won't be anymore."

\-----

"College volleyball setter for Tohoku University has died last night. It's a huge hit for the team who looked to be taking it all this year. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family."

\-----

Death is inevitable. That's what they tell us at least. It's bound to happen and you won't quite ever know when yours will come. But if you are able to change and reach out to at least one person than I don't think you can ever die.

At least that's what I'm hoping for.

When I die and they go through my stuff and find this I'm going to be so embarassed. Maybe some of it is super philosophically deep and I'll get a documentary made about me. That'd be cool.

Anyway, Hajime is waiting for me and I best not keep him waiting. Ciao for now,

Tooru <3

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, give me some feedback you know i'm thirsty for them comments


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